i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
