how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
