I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
