Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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