Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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