I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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