Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
