Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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