My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
