my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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