I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
