You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
