oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
