i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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