and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
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