if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
