What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
