I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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