he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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