I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
