I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize