Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
