I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
