My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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