Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
