im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ttyl tear gas
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize