On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
