yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
