how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
