why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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