you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
