he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
