Pants 0. Shit 1.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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