I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
