I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.