sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Its about making memories worth repressing
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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