The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together