Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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