and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
