If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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