You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
