I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I believe in your delicious
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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