i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
