Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
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Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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