you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
