I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
