Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
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I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
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You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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