What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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