So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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