I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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