I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
