remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
