I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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