if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
