You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
