I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
