you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just invented taco cereal.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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