I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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