I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
