I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
