Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
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Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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